Changes at hand.

Photo by Amber Lamoreaux on Pexels.com

At the moment, life seems the same as it has been for quite some time. I’m working at the same place, I still have rehearsals, I’m still tired, and not much brings joy my way. But I have been taking part in a little online class that has helped my mental being in this life, and for that I am grateful. Most helpful has been this book, as well as some of the meditative practices like Brahmavihara cultivation, Deep Fear Inventories, White Flame Meditation, among others. Some really basic planetary magick is included with this, I think, more for creating the right atmosphere as well as to help find aspects within oneself that might be difficult to identify otherwise.

So far, I’ve had a few major epiphanies. Let’s see if I can adequately verbalize them.

• So much of the root of my fears deal with choosing to be stuck to stop time. I’m trying to stop time so that I still have my mother with me for as long as possible. I think her diabetes diagnosis given a few years ago made me double down on this.
• I also feel like so much is beyond my control, but staying torturedly stuck is the one thing I can manage. (I know that sounds absolutely stupid, but there it is.) And this is something I sorta dreamed up when I was a kid – that it would be great to be this complicated, tortured, artistic soul. Well, hey, lil’ Moni of the past: we did it! But it’s really not worth it.
• I’ve been holding on to this with a death grip and experiencing fight or flight adrenaline stresses for most of my waking hours, in addition to regular life, and that would make anyone really fucking exhausted. When I realized that and started working through some of my fears, I decided it was best to let go of that constant fear, anxiety, and stress. And I slept so well that evening. (In general, better overall.)
• After attending a concert that was well-performed but horribly boring, I realized my flatlining in music has to do with music and approach that has a lack of story and lack of resultant magic or excitement.  I cannot see accomplishing much of this with my current groups, so I think it’s something I’m going to have to work on trying on my own. I know that music cannot be super thrilling at all times, but it would be great to have a crumb of excitement affiliated with it here and there on occasion.

There’s this over all feel that a major shift is starting to take place. And I think I’m ready for it. I feel like all this work has been more helpful than any work I’ve done with the various therapists and modalities I’ve tried. And it’s just in the approach and phrasing; the other day I noticed that one exercise I was doing accomplished the same thing as what a therapist about twenty years ago attempted to squeeze out of me by needling me with the same painful questions that I thought I already sufficiently answered.

Looking forward to onward and upward (likely with some fuck-ups and temporary downwards thrown in there, but hey, that’s to be expected, right?).