Winter Solstice 2022

2022 has been a different year. Good in some ways, quite rough in others.

At the beginning of the year, I started my job as a project manager. This is so different from much of what I’ve done in my life, and I’ve had to learn a lot of new skills, overcome some fears, work on difficulties. I’ve studied diligently to pass the PMP certification exam. There is a lot of job stress with this territory. Though I fully acknowledge that this work is not the best fit for me, it’s the best way that I see to have steady income that pays a livable salary.

The new job with better income afforded me to have my musical instruments repaired. Some of them have needed such overhauls for twenty years or more.

I’ve continued to assist my mother in caregiving for my grandmother. That has gotten tougher as time wears on, because my grandmother is seemingly wandering into dementia issues, along with severely worsening eyesight and hearing. Such challenges to encounter as par for the course in advanced age can be excruciating, and I try to keep in mind how hard it must be for her.

Work on my mental health has been another focus for this year, in some ways, confirming a lot of popular approaches that do not work at all for me, and a couple of things that have helped a little. Living with family brought so many realizations in the past weeks in a way that illuminated some core issues. Let’s see if I can offer succinct examples or watershed moments of realization.

A couple of months ago, I purchased a large bean bag with the hope that it could be another thing I could sit in/drape myself on for sleeping, as I’ve been having issues with sitting or reclining. My back has not been happy. When I brought it into my grandmother’s house, she refused to let me keep this. Mind you, some of this was like, “Damn it, the help brought this big thing into the house, and it’s going to clutter up one of my rooms, and I will not have that.” It didn’t matter that I explained why I got it. I even worked hard to squash it into the smallest place possible (which then made it pretty useless), and it didn’t matter. (I also feel I need to point out that it ended up not being a helpful tool for my pain issues anyway, but that’s not the main point of this.) Her words and her treatment of me were downright cruel.

I’m not so forgetful about the history of my time with my grandmother; I know for certain that she has that capacity for coldness and cruelty. But for something so easy to let pass for her, and possibly so helpful for me, after all that I have done for her, after all that I’ve given up for her – that is what did it for me. And it brought this flood of realizations of how often this happens in my life, in which I practically kill myself to help others while accepting that it’s fine if I not only get nothing, but might even get abused or shat upon in return.

This past Saturday was our family holiday gathering. I did a lot of work for that, I wore the kind, enduring mask for that whole day. By the end of the day, my loose-jointedness was getting the best of me, with excruciating ankles and feet that fell apart after a day of mostly standing on them. Dealing with Christmas, and energetic people, and just, well, people all day made me lose my mind as well. By that evening, I was a huge mess of breakdowns, and I did not hide it from my mother and grandmother. I got some pity and a thank you from my mom, but nothing that pointed to advocating for better planning or better conditions so this wouldn’t happen again. That made me realize that my biggest reason for the severe self-loathing and hatred of my own existence is because it seems like too much of an inconvenience for others to adjust themselves to help me.

I fully recognize that I need to set better and stronger boundaries in all of these circumstances. All of this has led me to grieve what I thought were loving family relationships, as well as some friendships that have similar issues, and realizing that there might be some love or care or interest in these relationships, but the current setup is very dysfunctional and unhealthy for me.

Recognizing this has made me see a little more value in myself, and also made me recognize that there might be a point in which I can be okay with my existence. Seeing something online about trauma inducing avoidant attachment styles, not as a flex or a strength, but rather a cry for help – that resonated strongly after all this.

So with all these breakdowns and breakthroughs, may the light shine through the darkness.

Happy Solstice, everyone. May your days be ever brighter and warmer.