Changes in perspective through time

I reviewed what I’ve written and posted to this page, and there’s a range of outlook and personality changes that is definitely palpable.

When I first started this page in 2015, it was supposed to be about creative artistic process. I shared about times I was profoundly moved by dance and music and my beginning involvement in visual arts. Now it’s about me recognizing the harsh and complex reality of being an adult with chronic physical and mental issues, as well as suffering from burnout and lack of interest or direction regarding life and work.

I cannot go back to the way it was in 2015. Yet I see how so much of my inner thoughts focused on creative endeavors, and that is what kept me afloat. It’s what helped me tolerate a blah employment situation; what helped get through musical gigs that were not my thing; what gave me a tiny sense of place when I felt I fit in with no one, no where, in no circumstance. I’m coming out of a bit of an infatuation with tarot and oracle decks that I think was there because there is some creative admiration combined with psychological and meditative musings that stood in place of those creative endeavors. Though I still appreciate such divinatory tools, I’m not placing such a weighty task upon them.

In the past few years, I’ve concluded through reading, research, and listening, that I am likely on the spectrum, albeit undiagnosed. My RAADS-R score is through the roof at 170. Recently, I listened to a doctor specializing in autism studies describe the difference between regular burnout and autistic burnout, emphasizing that, if one continually has autistic burnout without any kind of recovery, it is something that can profoundly change one’s brain. I believe that, and I would say I’ve acutely felt that over the course of the past year.

Because of this, I’m trying to add any kind of creative work back into my life, even if it’s doodling something small at my desk, making a quick piece of collage art here and there. I am working on rehabbing my physical body with strength training, as well as some somatic movements and other things to help work out the sads and angries. Will I ever feel like a person with interests and direction again?

Maybe.

My current line of work might not be the perfect fit, but I see a lot of behaviors mirrored back to me. For instance, several times have I witnessed writers remain quiet when I express to someone who is my superior that I don’t understand something, but I would like to, please tell me what to do, how can I approach whatever it is, give me clues and directions. Recently, I’ve been learning that many of those writers who remain silent have just as many questions, need just as much direction, but they are afraid of looking stupid.

Hey, I played that game to my absolute detriment in grad school. If you don’t recognize your gaps and shortcomings, you cannot fix them. You cannot get help in figuring out how to fix them. You can’t learn the best way to approach whatever it is.

I hope we can get to a point in which we encourage questions, we encourage people being vulnerable and asking for help, and we also welcome constructive feedback. I know there are a handful of disciplines that have a better handle on this, but most of those in which I’ve been involved have had so much trouble in these regards.