Figuring out frustrations.

I try hard not to be a constant source of complainery regarding certain things, and yet, I find I so often come full circle, stepping away from complaining about an issue, feeling quite upset but keeping my discomfort to a minimum, then, little by little, the dam gives and more complaints filter through until I find myself doing nothing but complain about the issue.
It has occurred to me that I might want to take a better look at these problems, flesh out what they’re really about, and find a way to deal with them. Let’s start with dance first. I have, in past entries, pinpointed that I tend to want to make dance be about dancing well, fitting the music well, and that I’m less obsessed about costuming as some others are. The depth of this seems to be hitting me on the head almost constantly by now, and I see now that it’s because my dance objectives are different, and they are seemingly incongruous with American Tribal Style bellydance. Here’s why:

• costuming: I’ve said it before, but here it is again: I am not comfortable in the typical ATS costume. When I first started and I got my first costuming pieces, I thought it was cool, but that was because I hadn’t gone to a class and danced in any of the stuff. Instead, I put it on, took a few regal photos, and removed it. I can handle that. Putting on layers and layers of things on top of an already large and fluffy body doesn’t feel or look good to me. And having to stay in it for hours at a time and manage a public persona that is fitting is a real killer. Lastly, I don’t like the wearing of a bra on the outside of my choli. I know it’s a fantasy element taking the tale of Roma people sewing money into their clothes, but I can’t help thinking of all those women I worked with in the nursing home who had dementia who constantly had issues dressing and put their bras on last.  I know it’s a completely different circumstance, but it’s what I think of when wearing a coin bra.
• improvisational: This is both the cool and the problematic aspect of ATS. It is so neat to be able to dance with others in a cohesive way without breaking down everything in a choreography. This is why I still do ATS, in that I like just getting together with others and dancing. Where it becomes problematic is when we decide to perform it. It would be great to have it look good. If music is a little complicated, I want us to nail it when it’s fast, when it’s slow, when certain moves or formations are done. But it all really comes down to what the lead dancer decides to do in the moment. Sometimes we attempt to plan ahead, but I have not had a lot of success getting those basic plans to stick. And that bleeds into the next point.
• compromise:  All the dancers in a group or troupe must compromise in putting together a piece/set/show. Of course, this only makes sense! But it is hard to assess what elements one should insist upon doing versus what is expendable, especially if one sees specific moves and formations for every part of the piece in one’s mind’s eye.This has been my issue. When I hear a piece of music, especially one I enjoy (and that is unusual), I pretty much feel emotions that go with particular phrases, and those translate to particular actions, gestures, and moves in the dance. My ears and my brain are really all about creating and polishing the perfect choreography for a piece that is to be performed in front of others. And I like judicious use of finger cymbals, preferably using different rhythms when the music calls for it. Part of me wonders if ATS might work with dancers who are also musicians. But it would be entirely possible for a musician to have different interpretations as well. However, I think they would agree to working harder on having their moves matching the music at a level I’m looking for.

  The solution? I’m not sure, but I think my changing schedule is possibly creating a solution for me. I’m not going to be able to attend classes regularly on Wednesdays or Thursdays, so I’m going to propose that I come to fusion classes, drills classes, and flow classes when I can. This should allow me to continue dance studies and continue interacting with others without the impasse I seem to have with ATS. And I won’t hold back the vision of the class at large.

  In general, I have a hard time answering the question of “hey, big picture in all this: where is this going?” Because so much of what is up in the air with these creative endeavors is what to do with them. For example, in dance, I have a ton of choreographies and shows in my brain that are staged, with a large company of dancers and musicians in some cases, and would be really cool, but I would need to have the time and the money to pay everyone for doing such projects. And I don’t know what the public response would be. Would people want to come to this? I mean, maybe after they see what it’s about, sure, but before that? I’m not so sure.

  The same issue crops up in music. The group I am currently in works on a fair bit of music that I don’t enjoy. But what I am interested in doing is smaller and more experimental stuff, which would pare our already small audience down to practically nothing.

  But I think this all gets stuck in my craw because these things need to be said/done/danced/played/performed. And that is why they won’t let me alone. So even if it’s for a tiny YouTube channel audience, or other smaller venues, I need to do it. The same goes for anything I’m writing or researching. It’s enough of this thinking that my stuff doesn’t have a place. It does. It’s just quite likely it won’t pay the bills in a major way.